The hawthorn buds
are straining to become
Van Gogh's stars.
.
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3 comments:
Glorious!I found this to be incredibly uplifting.
My only suggestions would be to open it up by removing the punctuaton (period/full stop) and introducing a kireji by removing 'are'.
the hawthorn buds
straining to become
Van Gogh's stars.
Very nice. Your use of "straining" is wonderful. (I think Alan's suggestions do strengthen it.)
Thank you for your comments, Alan and Diana. Alan's suggestions look like an improvement, while the sense of a process in the second line is retained. (I dropped my original thoughts of 'exploding' or some such word, which would have been too abrupt).
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